It thunderstormed all day yesterday.
I don't usually post about sad stuff but ... I had to put my cat Twilo down last night. It was time, he was starting to really suffer. I was hoping the vet would say something miraculous happened but he confirmed it was time.
He died with a modicum of dignity. He was in his own house with his mommy (me), first he was sedated in my arms with his face lying in my hands while he was given the final injection. I spoke softly to him even though I was blubbering. I read afterwards on http://petloss.com that you shouldn't cry so much because they worry for you. Sometimes very loyal pets will not want to leave you and will have a hard time because you are suffering. Anyway, I told him I loved him a million times and that it was OK to go. I started telling him the day before that it was OK for him to go if he needed to and that I would be OK and all that. I just wish he wasn't so scared when it was going down. The look in his eyes when the vet took the death needles out of his bag, I went to feel his heart and it was thumping against my hand so fast. I made eye contact with him, and that calmed him a little, but he stared into my eyes so confused, scared, and sad. At that point, he knew, and that's what keeps playing over and over in my head. It's hard to deal with right now. I can't think straight, all I can do is cry every 10 minutes, I haven't slept, I keep hearing him around the house, my mind is racing back and forth all over the place, my chest hurts ... I hope I don't catch a fucking heart attack and end up joining him.
There's no easy way to put your pet down. It's awful, and it was out of sync with his age so I watched him waste away from a very muscular mini panther (wrecking the house) to a frail and weak little thing not capable of doing much of anything but still wanting to. Part of me is relieved he's not suffering any more. I just hope wherever he is right now, that he's not lonely or scared anymore. I just wish I knew where he was and could see that he got there safely.
I don't have digital pictures of him of when he was healthy but here is my special guy in his final days, I think I took this Tuesday from my cell.
Twilo ... my little prince, teacher of unconditional love, my heart. Mom thinks you're the most special kitty in heaven.
Till We Meet Again ...
"...love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
(Kahlil Gibran)
This is the second time I've had to put a cat to sleep. As for myself, I will never, EVER, NEVER, have another pet again -- but I adopted Twilo from the Northshore Animal League in Long Island. They are an incredibly professional outfit. They REALLY love animals, they have beautiful animals, the place is immaculate and the staff is wonderful, I can't say enough about my experience adopting there.
Full Circle.
Sandi
54 comments:
Im am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry Sandi.
I'm sending Twilo a lot of loving thoughts.
Feel better soon.
Hey you,
Read your blog, sorry to hear the bad news :( Sending Twilo lots of thoughts.
And sending hugs and kisses to you too.
Much love
Rachel
xxxx
My sympathies are with you for your lost.
Sandi am so sorry about your cat, i know how it feels and i want you to know that he is in Hollywood living like a rock star until you guys reunite again, take care <3
~Rosa~
So sorry for your loss..I will send a prayer to my Rainbow Crew to watch out for Twilo...
Sandi,
So sorry just read your blog about your cat. I lost my Border Collie over a year ago, she was 12, and had had her since she was a little puppy I could hold in one hand. It broke my heart..I waited about two months and then started looking on line at Border Collie Rescue groups for another one. I did eventually find another but she will never replace my Daisy. I still get all teared up know when I remember how much of a wonderful dog Daisy was. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sincerely,
Mendy in Louisiana
Very sad to hear about your loss Sandi, but be comforted by the fact that your Twilo is still with you- in the shadows that the trees cast across your body as you walk through the park, the sunshine on your face, the warmth of your blanket.
When you have healed from your immense grief you can look for these signs and feel at peace, as your kitty is now.
Much love to you, and kind thoughts to your Twilo.
Claudia xx - Caves Beach, Australia
I'm sorry, too, Sandi. ::hugs:: and I'm sending happy thoughts. =/
Valerie
sorry for ur loss,,pets are always there no matter whut happens in ur life,,hugssssssssssssssss!!
I'm so sorry sandi... my heart is seriously aching from reading your blog... poor twilo boy :(
He will be in my thoughts all day.
Take care,
~ Dee
I'm so sorry sandi... my heart is seriously aching from reading your blog... poor twilo boy :(
He will be in my thoughts all day.
Take care,
~ Dee
Sandi,
i'm sorry about your Twilo. :*(
your blog wrecked my heart.
you're in my thots. i wish you peace and for the pain you feel to lessen quickly.
big hugs,
Les ♥
"hey sweetie, I'm very sorry for your loss. I've lost 3 pets in 3 years so I understand. I wish you both happiness. And will always listen if you ever need to talk."
He can't be lonely with all of the loving thoughts I'm sending him. Sending hugs of healing your way too.
awww poor twilo ive recently had to put down a pet my pitbull died of cancer she was the greatest i remember swhen she was little she would snuggle up in my arms and sleep (she snored BTW) and when she got bigger she would hug me while she was sleeping and id wake up with her hugging me and my face in her chest heh. i knowwhat your going through but twilos not in pain anymore be glad for that. mkay stay strong sandi :] God Bless
-Alyssa
Hi darling,
I so understand. Maybe more than we thought. I almost called you last night but had ZERO to say that was funny. My heart is with you and your kitty. He looks like my kitty Cisco Kid.
I was awake all night as my kitty and co-author Ralphie, is going soon. And my heart is so broken I can hardly stand it.
I WILL NEVER OWN ANOTHER PET. I just can't logic my way through the loss. Id someone tries to reason their way through it. Like he had a good life or he's old or etc. I just want to slap them. It's STILL PAIN.
Sorry to be negative hunny but WOW..this is a biggy not to be always justified somehow. I wished I could.
Oh sandi I am so sorry to hear about that. I lost my dog a few years ago. And no matter how many animals i seem to take in none of them fill the void. But as time goes on you will see that you saved him and gave him the best life you could. And maybe thats your calling. We all need to help these animals in sheilter to have a chance. So he knows where ever he may be that you loved him... Smile cause your a good person!
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. All of that listen to your podcast know how much you loved him from the few comments you told us about him. Please know that we all will be sending him and you all our love and support.
hi sandi, all my love and hugs to you. i am so sorry you lost ur little boy. my thoughts go out to him. i believe he is ok and wants you to be ok, too. hold ur friends close and let them comfort you and help u thru this sad time. hugs and kisses my friend, love, piper cub
wow. I'm over hear holdin back da tears...I understand 100% how you feel. I lost my dog Rocky about 9 years ago and it still feels like yesterday. No more pets for me either. EVER. Both you & twilo will be in my prayers.
you did the right thing, and now Twilo's at peace u feel me.
when my dog Rocky was killed by a bigger dog I was shocked. I loved him like he was my child, I miss him soooooo much and would give fuckin anything 2 feel his little tounge licking my face again. I know just how u feel. my thoughts are with you.
I'm so sorry to hear about Twilo.
I will absolutely send him some good thoughts.
Also, you won't have a heart attack, Sandi. I promise! The emotions you're feeling are completely healthy and necessary, I'm sure. Just let them be. Feel sad, feel relieved, feel angry as hell, and know that I'm (along with many others, I bet) thinking of you. Both of you.
xoxo
Melanie
OMG! this made me cry so much, i understand how u feel. I am so sorry u had to go through this. I know it is painful, & I hope u use all the love u had for him to heal ur heart! Have a great day and I am so sorry for ur loss.
Christan
im sorry about your loss.i too just had to put our son jasper down this last saturday.someone poisoned him with antifreeze.i know how it feels like your heart is litterally going tp bust into a million tiny pieces. we held him while they gave him the shot too,wishing the whole time that it didnt have to be this way.
much love to you kiddo,belinda
Sandi,
I am so sorry. Much, much love to you. My friend, whose documentary I sent you just lost her little baby as well, I put her blog in here if you would like to read it.
DON'T feel as if you have to write back. I just wanted to send you my love. One breath at a time.
xoxo
~V
Goodbye friend, child, teacher...
I have been hiding. I have been avoiding. I have been so sad my marrow hurts. Crystal (my dear sweet kitty angel) died on Friday and I just can't seem to get it together. I want to write but I'm stuck. I want to pay bills because they don't let you bring your juicer to jail but I can't open the envelopes. The only thing I can do is clean my house, clean my office, clean my attic, clean my storage unit and file stuff too. She was everything to me. Fifteen years of friendship. In the work I do I deal with dying everyday, I really thought I was further along. Losing kitty makes me realize that I don't know much. And yet what I do know is that ritual is the most powerful way to find closure.
Ritual:
It started with Roshi Joan's workshop on Death and Dying a few weeks ago. Thank God she opened the door for dealing with the loss of pets. I wanted so badly to focus on Crystal but with all the cancer patients around (me included) I felt like maybe it would be too "light". Well, when she spoke of the intense bond between her and her dog and how hard it would be to lose him, hot water poured from my eyes. I have dealt with my own death many times (no time soon - 90 is my goal - and since I usually get what I want I'm pretty set with that number). However, I can barely stomach the idea of losing someone I love. How to go on? How to deal with the intense missing?
Life is a terminal condition. If you watched me on Oprah last week (funny, it was a show on death) you heard me say it. Tis true, we're ALL going to die but how many of us will truly live? And what does that mean? Is it just another one of my cliche media sound bites? Well, in this raw state this is what I think truly living means:
1. Telling people you love them even though there is so much poison that you think you hate them. Once you say it you burst open with white joy and then you miss the time lost in the negative.
2. Doing things that make you really scared but really exhilarated.
3. Muting the voice in your head that is always worried, always tentative, always keeping you in the land of stuck. "Fuck it". "Just do it". GO.
4. Saying no to people who only take.
5. Saying yes to people who give you as much as you give them.
6. Opening your heart so wide that you touch a space that is unknown, uncomfortable and exposed. Staying in that space. Holding it. Holding it. Ahhhh.
7. Turning addictions into accomplishments. Nothing has you in it's grips. You are the grips.
8. Service to God/Goddess. Everything else will fall into place.
9. Sacred sweat, lots of it. Dance till you bleed. Laughing so loud someone complains.
10. Forgiving the world and then making it better.
And of course petting a kitty. Loving all sentient beings. Taking them off your plate and placing them on your sofa with a toy. Note: You may need a bigger sofa.
If everyone I meet is a teacher then Crystal was the ultimate sage. She adored ALL BEINGS. It was weird. Charles Manson could come for tea (or Bourbon) and she would have poured affection all over him. It was uncomfortable at times. "ENOUGH", I would say, "you're being creepy". But she had to pour it on that thick to get through some of my walls. She was sent to me for this very purpose. To teach me how to allow unconditional love in. I give it, but don't receive too much. Not that love isn't all around me. It is. I'm just very protective - or I was until the little grey love thunder came rollin' in. Now the steel is down and she is gone and there is so much ouchie, and endless thanks.
Ritual:
I am very grateful for way that she died. It was time. All her veins had collapsed. There was nothing we could do other than to facilitate her passage. She died in our garden, in my arms, her tiny paw in my hand, Brian's hand on my shoulder. Silent tears falling on her fur. The vet came and it was extremely peaceful and kind. In the Tibetan book of the dead it is suggested not to make chaos at the time of death. The spirit goes into shock and it doesn't totally leave right away. Who knows if this is true. Only one way to find out and we're not going there TODAY. But if it is true then Brian and I did it right. We held her long before and LONG after her death and then buried her under some fluffy moss with her favorite hair brush and a peony.
Again, I miss her.
Peace and purrs,
Kris
I sent happy thoughts to Twilo via Twitter when you mentioned that he wasn't doing well, but I'm so, so sorry that you had to put him to sleep. In our lives our pets are so close to us, as you can see by my profile picture. My cat Doris and I send you all our love.
-Amanda and Doris.
I just read your blog. I'm so sorry Sandi. You did do your best. Your cat trusted you and let you do what needed to be done. I'll send warm thoughts for you and Twilo.
Oh Sandy. I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember a show he meowed in the background. So cute. He's not suffering anymore. You sound like you are very in tune with animals I'm sure it was the right decision at the right time.
Sorry you have to go through this.
We'll be sending Twilo rainbow thoughts.
Sandi, I'm so sorry about Twilo. What a cute cat even though he was sick. Putting down a family member hurts like hell. I'll be thinking about you and Twilo.
i doubt he went very far; animals especially have a tendency to hang around til they know you're ok. he was a beautiful fellow though.
This kind of loss is so consuming, the relationship's we have with our pets sometimes can't even be captured with our human counterparts. I've dealt with this kind of loss twice myself and i don't wish the pain on anyone.
R.i.P TWILO!
My thoughts are with you both!
Hey Sandi,
I'm really sorry about your cat. I understand your pain. I had a dog named Rolly who was 17 years old when he ran away. We knew that he had run away to die. When he was with us, he had seizures periodically and when he would, he would hide. We assumed that he didn't want us to see him like that. One day we let him out in the backyard, to play around with our younger dog outside. He pushed the gate open and we never saw him again. We assumed that it was the same as the seizure situation, he didn't want to be seen.
Pets can be your best friend, your family, and even a role model (lol). It's going to be hard letting him go, but you'll get through it because Twilo is in a better place, happy, and he has an unlimited supply of catnip, mice, and scratch posts in kitty heaven.
I'm so sorry.
Be sad for yourself and let yourself have the time you need, but don't be sad for Twilo,
he's doing anything and everything he hasn't been able to do for a long time! And everytime you hear him, he's there, and one day you'll look into someone's eyes, cat, dog, human, and you'll see Twilo waiting there for you. XXX
Sandi, I am SO sorry for your loss! I can say that that blog honestly made me tear up. I deal with death everyday, I'm an EMT in NC and I can say that nothing is a greater loss than that of a pet or a family member. Just keep your head up and remember the good times you had! I just recently found out one of my patients who was 10, lost her life to a brain tumor which they had just found three months ago. Questions always arise with children for they are the hardest to deal with. Once I found out she had passed I was reminded of something I was once told. Weather you believe in God, or Spirits or just a higher power, remember that everything happens for a reason. We were all put here for something and those that die, are not leaving us, but yet finished with their "jobs" here. Twilo must have thought you were strong enough to face it on your own and that it was time to go. My thoughts are with you in your time of need!
Love Jenn
Hey Sandi I'm really sorry to hear about Twilo. He was beautiful in his last days. My condolences.
xoxoxoxo
Reguardless of your own feelings you still knew deep down this was the right thing to do,you have stopped your beloved cat from any more pain and at the end of the day,thats all what matters.
You did the right thing sweetheart,truly you did.
Dear beloved Sandi -
I was so so sad to read your blog about Twilo - I actually cried. I
am feeling terribly sorry for you. My sweet and wonderful little cat
Mockel died 1988. He was run over by a car and he was just 1 1/2 years old. I really loved him. He was sweet and kind. I got him as a baby when he still could fit in my hand.
I too could not replace him and I never had another pet (apart from
some fish in a tank, who are technically Michael's. I like them but there is no real connection somehow)
My dear and wonderful Sandi - I love you and I know there is nothing to be done or said to make that pain go away. I am thinking of you and Twilo and I am sending all my love.
All yours
Michael
Hello Sandi
I know we do not know each other, but you are on my page, so I saw your bulletin.
I am so very sorry. I am an animal lover. I have two boston terriers one is going to be 13 in Dec and one is 4. My boys. I love them so much.
I can say that I had such a traumatic scare two weeks ago when my oldest woke up sick. Urinating everywhere, not eating, his stomach was swollen. We took him to the ER and they chalked it up to old age. BUT the next day he was worse. Took him again and there he was MISdiagnosed as having prostate cancer and he needed an ultrasound. OMG no matter what I have been through, and I have been through some shit - those 3 days were the worst in my life. I totally lost it because I was told "it is probably cancer" not "cancer or something else" so that second day I was preparing (trying to anyway-mentally) to let my old man go. My gf thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was a wreck. Crying hugging him telling him that his mommy will be ok. That Jake would take care of me if he (buster) is too tired to stay.
So the next day - day 3 he went for the ultrasound and thank god nothing was found. This dr said it was a prostate INFECTION. gave him pills and now he is doing great.
I guess I just wanted to say that in a way I know how you feel. I dread the day that I will know exactly what you are going through. I know it is going to be hell.
Buster (my old man)(they are in my photo albums on my page)
came to me at 4 months old. No matter what I went through giving him up was never an option to me, never a thought. Shit I was even living with a friend after a breakup because I refused to give buster up. Now I have buster & Jake. My gf has two dogs also and I moved from NY here to CT and we are like the brady bunch :)
I am sorry for rambling, its just when I read your blog my heart went out to you. People who do not have pets dont seem to understand that they are family members.
Forgive me for not saying anything like "well he (Twilo)is not suffering anymore" I just feel that there is nothing that can be said except that I am truly sorry and my heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry.
Kim
sure was a sweety. so cute.
so sorry about your loss. i know how it feels. sending twilo loving thoughts and sending hugs to you (((((sandi)))))
So sorry to hear about your loss. My dog Annie just lost her battle to cancer and I had to put her down. After having her for 14 years. I know how devastating it is. You'll be in my thoughts.
I'm hugely sorry for your loss. I cried as I read your tale. Twilo was a great club in NYC and certainly a great cat. Please, don't nix the pet idea altogether. The world needs good pet momma's like you.
Hi Sandi, So sorry to hear about Twilo, it was always touching when you talked about him on your podcasts.
I've lost nearly 20 animals in my life this year alone, it always hurts. Such an unfair price to pay for loving and caring for another living being...the only solution i've come up with is to keep Galápagos giant tortoises.
Lot of Love
Jen xxx
Sandi, I am so sorry to hear about Twilo. My Tosha will keep him company at Rainbow Bridge. I lost my dog on 7/28/08. I know how you feel. I didn't think I would ever recover from this. But I read Rainbow Bridge and it comforts me knowing that she is waiting for me.
Sincerely,
Annie
http://kimbeaver.blogspot.com/2008/08/farwell-little-friend.html
I am so sorry - and I do love you. My thoughts are with you and my love
kb
I'm sorry to hear you're kitty friend passed away. I'm sure his kitty spirit is chill kick'n it with Freya over the rainbow bridge. Losing a friend sucks though no matter how you reason it. 13 warm kitty thoughts to thee. :-)
Hey Sandy;
I was listening to the new show & as I was scrolling down I saw the memorium to twilo. Honey I am so sorry...by the sounds of things as he was your protector,you were his too, from day dot. You would have been the best friend/mum he could have wished for.
Thinking of you & here is a * big bear hug * just for you...
SANDI! I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CAT! SENDING YOU LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS!
I know your hurting and sad about your fur baby. ***HUGS***
Hang in there, Sandi. I'd let you cry on my shoulder as long as you want. God knows I've bawled my eyes out over my babies that've died.
***MORE HUGS***
Love you, girl. Keep your chin up.
Hey sandy, I'm sorry to hear about your cat passing. I'm not a cat person myself but I have a snake named Hamlet who I love and I know i'd be very sad if s/he passed. Anywho the best wishes to him, i know he's chilling out somewhere just waiting for you, under the rainbow bridge and all.
ooh on a lighter unrelated note, I'd like to thank you for playing my "why gay pride..." thingy... I hate hearing the sound of my own voice on the radio but the girlfriend liked it. And I was like the third one you played so that was kool too. Any who thanks for all you do, you kept me quite entertained many boring days in IraQ and you still have the same great affect here so rock on!!! I love the music you play and I love you, your awesome!
((((HUGS))))
I just read this about Twillo. I know what you're going through... your pain's so raw and vivid through your blog words...
I'm so sorry. I had posted a comment because I saw that you lost Twillo, but didn't realize it was so recent, or that you had to make that anguishing decision.
I know you say now that you never ever want a pet again... and I understand that feeling *now*... but sometime, as you heal, as your good memories begin to come back through to comfort your aching heart, think about the love you gave to Twillo. You rescued him by adopting him from NSAL.
You gave him the life that his previous owners didn't care to. There are other animals out there who need that... who deserve that. You can love again. Twillo would want you to.
Don't make a decision now that might be burnt into your mind from this pain...
take time to heal... and don't think about it now... just give yourself time.
And Twillo is NOT alone!! I am certain beyond any shadow of doubt that there are all of our furbaby friends who've passed on.. they were there to greet Twillo and welcome him Home. He is NOT lonely... he is in your heart, and his spirit will forever be with you, too.
Have you sometimes felt him around? Heard him playing? Saw something of his or somewhere he laid and felt his presence? That IS him, Sandi. Visiting you. Comforting you because he does not want you to dwell in the pain of losing him too young. He wants you to remember, but continue to live, continue to love, and to share your love with another somewhere down the line. Twillo wants that for you, and he will show you time to time with little signs. If you are aware, you will feel it and you will know it's him.
When I had to send Hayley to Rainbow Bridge, a dog who never made it to a year old, well, she was Bestest friends with my rescue puppy Angel. The two of them used to romp and wrestle... and there was a certain sound they made... growling play and "rrraaaah rrraaaah" like from back in their throats...
Well, the day I held Hayley as she passed, I came home from the vet POURING tears. crying, torn up, in anguish, heart broken, just broken in general...
As I sat on the couch in a daze of tears and almost coma, i heard those sounds behind me... i heard 2 dogs playing like that rolling around. I turned...
There was Angel. Rolling around with his front paws in the air, swiping, making that sound, grasping at 'the air'... it was Hayley. I know it... I felt it... she was with us and visiting before she left to be greeted at the Bridge to let me know she's ok, and that it was ok. Then Angel stopped, like Hayley had crossed... He looked at me like "where'd she go? she was just here?" then went about his merry little puppy way, also contented by Hayley's unexpected visit and reminder.
I will send out sweet thoughts to Twillo so he knows he's special to everyone, and ask him to show you time to time that he is ok, too.
Wishing you Peace, friend ~ Jules
Sandi, I'm so sorry to hear about Twilo. It made me cry, I know how painful it is to be in your position. I've been a listener of your show for a while, but just had to stop being a lurker and post you a message to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. I'm sending loving vibes for Twilo and for you as well. I went through a similar experience a few years ago (I had to have my 10 year old kitty euthanized to end her suffering too, and it broke my heart. Still does.)I now have a house full of cats and I love them all, but the special bond I had with her (she was my "baby") will always be with me.
Sending best wishes your way.
I saw on your page your cat passed in August. I am truly sorry for that. I know you don't know me but I do completely understand. My cat Phoenix did on Aug 5th 08.
Your cat was a gorgeous cat. He looks like my black cat named Mystic.
You have a great show. Keep em coming.
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