It thunderstormed all day yesterday.
I don't usually post about sad stuff but ... I had to put my cat Twilo down last night. It was time, he was starting to really suffer. I was hoping the vet would say something miraculous happened but he confirmed it was time.
He died with a modicum of dignity. He was in his own house with his mommy (me), first he was sedated in my arms with his face lying in my hands while he was given the final injection. I spoke softly to him even though I was blubbering. I read afterwards on http://petloss.com that you shouldn't cry so much because they worry for you. Sometimes very loyal pets will not want to leave you and will have a hard time because you are suffering. Anyway, I told him I loved him a million times and that it was OK to go. I started telling him the day before that it was OK for him to go if he needed to and that I would be OK and all that. I just wish he wasn't so scared when it was going down. The look in his eyes when the vet took the death needles out of his bag, I went to feel his heart and it was thumping against my hand so fast. I made eye contact with him, and that calmed him a little, but he stared into my eyes so confused, scared, and sad. At that point, he knew, and that's what keeps playing over and over in my head. It's hard to deal with right now. I can't think straight, all I can do is cry every 10 minutes, I haven't slept, I keep hearing him around the house, my mind is racing back and forth all over the place, my chest hurts ... I hope I don't catch a fucking heart attack and end up joining him.
There's no easy way to put your pet down. It's awful, and it was out of sync with his age so I watched him waste away from a very muscular mini panther (wrecking the house) to a frail and weak little thing not capable of doing much of anything but still wanting to. Part of me is relieved he's not suffering any more. I just hope wherever he is right now, that he's not lonely or scared anymore. I just wish I knew where he was and could see that he got there safely.
I don't have digital pictures of him of when he was healthy but here is my special guy in his final days, I think I took this Tuesday from my cell.
Twilo ... my little prince, teacher of unconditional love, my heart. Mom thinks you're the most special kitty in heaven.
Till We Meet Again ...
"...love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
(Kahlil Gibran)
This is the second time I've had to put a cat to sleep. As for myself, I will never, EVER, NEVER, have another pet again -- but I adopted Twilo from the Northshore Animal League in Long Island. They are an incredibly professional outfit. They REALLY love animals, they have beautiful animals, the place is immaculate and the staff is wonderful, I can't say enough about my experience adopting there.
Full Circle.
Sandi
